To put it pleasantly, in the day of me it can be very disconcerting. The constant back and forth and the indecision. To have such small things intensely sweep you off your feet can be enfeebling in every aspect that applies to life itself.
Comprehending what’s going on inside the cage is always an ongoing battle, having to spar with the inner voice, either knocking you or making you second guess every decision you make or may have made. Not being able to go about ‘basic’ day to day activity is very debilitating and can have a drastic domino effect on everything you even try to do.
Other facets it also cripples is things like basic communication and relationships with people, either getting way too attached and causing mayhem in other peoples lives or just completely being so uninterested and far from even connected. This can cause a bad situation to be worse because it more often than not leads to isolation and an increase in the havoc caused by the mental health issues.
To have so many professionals give different opinions on what may be causing such distress is actually distressing in itself due to the uncertainty. You're bound to think, maybe if I knew what was happening, it can be fixed?
The uncertainty on diagnosis also highlights how much of a lack of help and resources there are regarding mental health, here in London. The lack of resources lead to development of existing conditions and essentially digs a deeper hole that you fall into, not to be so morbid.
One of the most vicious symptoms of my mental health would be memory loss. This can be a very dangerous symptom as you can forget things you have done and may lead you to have real life issues like even trouble with the police. This can also be dangerous because if you keep bad company (again, a product of bad choices made to due indecision, impulsivity and isolation) they can and will use this against you.
A short story I can tell is, I once had ‘friend’ using the term very loosely, who knew I was struggling with said issues and basically used it against me. I was accused of stealing and not remembering stealing in a rouse to get more money off of me or to get me in trouble with the police. At the time, this was a very dire situation as I was in a state of panic not understanding how I couldn’t possibly remember stealing jewellery, second guessing everything I’ve done. It made me spiral into a dark place which made me realise how serious my mental health issues can be. Luckily, with my own help and self awareness, I came to understand that is not how my memory loss works and it effects short term memory loss more than long term.
To round it up, having mental health issues at such a young age that also started in adolescent years can make you feel much older and that it’s all over. On days like this, I try to keep my head up, distract myself and hold onto what I have and be thankful for tiny things like being able to walk.
I feel as though I am constantly progressing the more self aware I become, I am able to help myself and stop bad thought patterns and state of minds (impulsivity, indecision, suicidal ideations) with the help of CBT.